Singer Beyonce’s breasts are once again causing commotion. While she and husband Jay-Z were dining at New York's Saint Ambrose Cafe and Espresso Bar in the West Village, the no-longer-single-lady incited a near-riot among the city’s famously conservative and discreet residents by exposing less of her breast than she has in most of her music videos while engaging in the protected-by-law action of public breastfeeding. Coupled with the recent solar flare activity, the non-controversy sparked a firestorm of media attention.
Sharp-as-a-tack CBS-2’s reporter Kristine Johnson exposed the singer’s obvious faux pas: She didn’t “opt for the privacy of the bathroom.”
“I know!” agreed a passer-by. “Whenever I’m eating something that might be offensive to someone else, like say tuna fish salad or menudo or veal or gluten, I always take it right to the privacy of the bathroom. It’s the only decent thing to do.”
While others voiced their opposition: “But sometime’s the bathroom’s busy! Then what do you do?”
The consensus among internet forums was clear: If you must engage in the utterly disgusting activity of allowing a human infant to drink directly from your nipple, and you insist on leaving the house, and the tiresome infant’s ravenous squalling is interrupting someone else’s inalienable right to enjoy their tall double-shot soymilk espresso latte in peace, and for some unfortunate reason the proper baby-feeding location is occupied by someone defecating or urinating, then good taste and common sense dictate that you deploy an indecency-cloaking device, most commonly available in the form of a receiving blanket.
Even the beleaguered Rush Limbaugh took a moment away from his busy schedule of embarrassing conservatives everywhere to comment: “That little slut wants to use feeding her baby as a pretext for turning men on! So they’ll buy more of her slutty little records! And look at her—you can’t tell me she isn’t at least a little bit Negro! Which means she’s just another one of Obama’s baby-mamas. And you know how she got to that cafe? By driving on a public road! Which means you and me—the taxpayers—paid for her to come out in public! So what does that make her? It makes her a prostitute, right? And if we’re going to pay for her to go out in public and expose herself, I want something out of it! Tell her to get that baby out of the way so I can see some nipple!”