Tuesday, April 5, 2016

The Snore Wars

The Boyfriend snores.  Those of you who share my pain need read no further to fully grasp how difficult this is.  The rest of you, please: I've tried ear plugs.  Both foam and silicone.  (Pro Tip: The dainty ladylike pink ones are in fact more expensive than the bulky masculine yellow ones, at least at Target, that pink-taxing motherfucker.  But I buy them anyway, because they are smaller (which, if capitalism were truly rationalis, would be LESS expensive) and fit in my ear marginally better.  Thereby making me feel slightly less like a Ceti eel is burrowing its way into my slumbering brain.)

Anyway.  The snoring.  He is abject about it, which makes me feel like a savage harpie for the awful, awful things I think at 1 am, as I listen to him saw away.  (My therapist assures me that these thoughts he so politely terms "violent fantasies" are nothing to worry about, though I'm sure that The Boyfriend's mother will include them in her next semi-annual installment of Why You Should Break Up With Her, along with other damning tidbits gleaned from this blog, like Promiscuity and Mental Instability and Goldfish Rape.)

But hey, I am a problem-solver (my Lumosity score says so), so I tackle this the way I tackle any other challenge: with Google.  Unfortunately, even the crowd can't source a solution to the snoring problem beyond roughly these four steps:
  1. Ear plugs for the victim.  Seems logical, but they are uncomfortable, and often fall out.
  2. CPAP machine for the assailant.  These treat apnea-induced snoring, which doesn't seem to be the problem here.
  3. Nasal strips.  In our personal experience, these reduced the snoring by maybe 10-25%, depending on the night.
  4. Go to bed before him so you're in a deeper sleep when he starts snoring.  Seriously? a.) So much for nocturnal intimacy and b.) If you can sleep through the snoring, then either it's not very loud or you're a much better sleeper than I am.   
  5. Separate rooms.  How dismal.
  6. Break up. Worse, plus WebMD says that half of all men snore anyway, so why roll the dice? 
Of course, the male author of the WebMD article describes snoring as "no more than an irritant to those trying to sleep within range," but then reminds us that snoring can have real health impact on the snorer, because sleep is "as important as what you eat and how much you exercise".  In other words - for the woman being deprived of sleep, relax, honey, this is nothing more than an irritant.  But for the man snoring, YOUR HEALTH DEPENDS ON A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.  Thank you, WedMD, for giving me a new target for my middle-of-the-night violent fantasies.

Did you come here for answers?  I'm sorry.  All I've got is Google and its hundreds of thousands of links to CPAP machine ads and trite, recycled articles about the marital benefits of earplugs and how you should sew THREE TENNIS BALLS IN A SOCK TO THE BACK OF YOUR PARNTER'S NIGHSHIRT.  Because a.) Men still wear nightshirts and b.) This won't help the snoring, but it will keep you busy.  And if you're tired enough from all of the tennis ball sewing and "gentle nudging" you are doing while somehow still also remembering that sleep is as important to your health as what you eat or how much you exercise, then maybe, FINALLY, you will fall into a deep and blissful slumber.  In your own room.

3 comments:

  1. Once one of my friend tough me some throat exercises which can help with snoring. He recommend me to learn some throat singing and learn to play the didgeridoo. I’m not sure if that can actually help me, but learning these causes made it easier for me to manage my snoring.

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