Anyway. The snoring. He is abject about it, which makes me feel like a savage harpie for the awful, awful things I think at 1 am, as I listen to him saw away. (My therapist assures me that these thoughts he so politely terms "violent fantasies" are nothing to worry about, though I'm sure that The Boyfriend's mother will include them in her next semi-annual installment of Why You Should Break Up With Her, along with other damning tidbits gleaned from this blog, like Promiscuity and Mental Instability and Goldfish Rape.)
But hey, I am a problem-solver (my Lumosity score says so), so I tackle this the way I tackle any other challenge: with Google. Unfortunately, even the crowd can't source a solution to the snoring problem beyond roughly these four steps:
- Ear plugs for the victim. Seems logical, but they are uncomfortable, and often fall out.
- CPAP machine for the assailant. These treat apnea-induced snoring, which doesn't seem to be the problem here.
- Nasal strips. In our personal experience, these reduced the snoring by maybe 10-25%, depending on the night.
- Go to bed before him so you're in a deeper sleep when he starts snoring. Seriously? a.) So much for nocturnal intimacy and b.) If you can sleep through the snoring, then either it's not very loud or you're a much better sleeper than I am.
- Separate rooms. How dismal.
- Break up. Worse, plus WebMD says that half of all men snore anyway, so why roll the dice?
Did you come here for answers? I'm sorry. All I've got is Google and its hundreds of thousands of links to CPAP machine ads and trite, recycled articles about the marital benefits of earplugs and how you should sew THREE TENNIS BALLS IN A SOCK TO THE BACK OF YOUR PARNTER'S NIGHSHIRT. Because a.) Men still wear nightshirts and b.) This won't help the snoring, but it will keep you busy. And if you're tired enough from all of the tennis ball sewing and "gentle nudging" you are doing while somehow still also remembering that sleep is as important to your health as what you eat or how much you exercise, then maybe, FINALLY, you will fall into a deep and blissful slumber. In your own room.